In the first blog post I published “How I Became Two of them One of me”, I touched upon the three biggest decisions I’ve had to make thus far whilst being the twins mom. The most important one for me was making the decision to do this parenting thing alone.
When I wrote the statement previously I’m almost certain it may have come across as if I’d made the decision to become a lone parent and never looked back. Well, that’s not the case and honestly, I have looked back way too many times. If you’ve read my post “Where Have I Been”. You will know me, and the twins will be going abroad together for the first time and I’m excited to share that with you. However, I wanted to address some things before I continue discovering and documenting the positives of parenting alone. I want to let you know that the past three years haven’t consisted of me always discovering the positives and actually this is a somewhat new journey I’m on.
” I looked to
Before making those three big decisions, I took myself and my sister to see a clairvoyant not too far from where we live. At the time I really did feel like the Lucia I was then, wasn’t enough and that she could be much more, but I didn’t know how. So, I looked to spiritual guidance. I’m aware that everyone has different views on clairvoyants and psychic etc, but I feel as though it genuinely helped. Of course, I will never know for sure, but I wouldn’t be where I am now without seeing him. While some of the things he said didn’t occur all at once. Still two and a half years later I’m finding myself saying “Oh yeah, Brian said that would happen”.
Brian told me my relationship with the twin’s dad wouldn’t last. With what was happening at the time I knew if Brian was to say anything about our relationship it would be something along those lines, so I was kind of prepared for that. But, I didn’t listen and carried on fighting to have this nuclear family. Until one day, honestly there wasn’t one significant moment but a series of situations which caused me to make my decision and as a result I ended it and irrationally too. I’m a Gemini (that’s my excuse for everything) and if you know a Gemini you’ll probably know how quick we are to make life changing decisions.
“I felt as though we were missing out on something,
as if being a family of three wasn’t enough.”
As time went on though, I found myself looking back. Ultimately second guessing my decision to essentially break up our family. When the twins were around 18 months old we started to do a lot more and that’s when regret started to kick in. I felt as though we were missing out on something, as if being a family of three wasn’t enough. I had convinced myself I had made the wrong decision. So, the cycle began. We would reconnect, take things way too far and disconnect all over again. Seriously, this situation was mentally draining and went on for the longest time. Until I realised by looking back I wasn’t trusting my own judgement and I was holding the three of us back.
It was around June 2017 when I had the urge to take the twins abroad, I had bought their passports and everything. But, for some reason I just felt like I couldn’t do it alone, there was no way. I had really convinced myself I was incapable of taking the twins away by myself. So, I asked their dad, to which he replied in around about way “No”. Seriously it was one of the best things he has ever said to me. All while friends and family had reassured me I could do it alone. Reminding me I had been doing everything else alone. It was really that “no” that made me feel like I have to do this. I can’t let anyone, or anything hold us back.
“I love and genuinely enjoy
everyone and everything
I have in my life right now”
Don’t get me wrong, we’ve accomplished so much. Of course, flying isn’t the biggest thing in the world but it’s a massive accomplishment for me. In order to get past this, I had to look to our future and the end goal I had pictured. How was I able to get that degree, become a writer and make sure Ayden and Avia had the best childhood I could give them if I didn’t close that chapter. It has taken a lot of growth and me dedicating time to find myself. As Lucia, a single mom to twins, a student and a writer. I feel that a massive part of discovering the positives of raising the twins alone is self-acceptance, self-worth and finding happiness within. It may have taken me a while and I still have negative days. But I’m finally at a point where I love and genuinely enjoy everyone and everything I have in my life right now.
“Break a cycle or
find yourself again”
With, two of them one of me I really wanted to put across the reality. Getting to the place we’re at now has taken some hard work. Although I’m currently on the journey of discovering the positives of parenting alone, I’ve had to take some difficult roads to get to this point. So, if anyone of you are struggling to come to terms with parenting alone, that was once me. Overcoming the struggles doesn’t happen over night. Chances are you need to make some changes, break a cycle or find yourself again. Whichever it is I just want to say you will get there.
On that note, just like Hilary Clinton said,
“Every Moment Wasted Looking Back,
Keeps Us from Moving Forward”.
Thank you for reading and feel free to comment.