Disclaimer: I wrote this post a few days ago and while I hate to be Negative Nancy. I’d hate to put across a false representation of my life. And, if I’m going to show you all the positives I figured you guys deserve to know it’s not always so easy even if the pictures I post show you otherwise.
I don’t know. I can’t quite put my finger on it. For the past couple of weeks I’ve been feeling out of touch. I haven’t written a post for the longest time. Well I have but I haven’t felt as though they were good enough share.
I’ve had to look back and re-read blog posts to encourage myself to write. My tag line is “discovering the positives of parenting alone …”. And all my post so far have been quite positive and uplifting. However, when I started my blogging journey, I promised to be relatable. I’ve come to realize in order to be truly relatable I can’t shy away when I feel out of touch because chances are another woman in my position is feeling exactly the same.
Now, I’m very much a realist and I knew when I made the three biggest decisions of my life so far that things weren’t going to be easy. But that doesn’t stop me feeling down or overwhelmed and I certainly shouldn’t feel guilty for feeling as though I need an escape.
“I need a break from my own thoughts”
If anyone has said to you “I never told you have them” or “you should have waited”. Then you will know exactly what I’m talking about. It’s funny because I feel like people assume all my stresses are linked to be a single mom. And that’s certainly not the case. The twins didn’t wear the tyre out on the car a few weeks ago, the twins didn’t give me acne. What really infuriates me is that I can’t feel a certain way about something without someone thinking it has something to do with me not being able to cope.
The crazy thing is, is that up until very recently I thought this way too. “I need a break from the twins”, “the twins are stressing me out” when in hindsight I’m stressing them out with my negative energy and that’s why I think it’s so important to have a mom break.
I feel somewhat vulnerable sharing this with the internet but when the twins were around six months I started to get the feeling of being trapped. Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m lucky to have been blessed with twins. I know the opportunity to be a mother shouldn’t be taken for granted and I am forever grateful that god trusted me to raise the twins as a single parent. However, I had moved into a hostel and everything was moving so fast, my mind couldn’t quite cope.
It’s crazy because whenever I begin to feel like this, I feel instantly alone. As if no one has been through what I’ve been through. It’s even crazier that I’m able to write about it and I’m able to understand how I’m feeling. I become anxious about the feeling of being trapped returning and the fear of having no real structure. And, every so often I’m back in this negative head space.
“Healing is the end of conflict with yourself”
I guess I feel like it is so important for me to share the “negatives”. It would be easy for me to pop up again when I’m feeling myself. However, that would be painting a false picture of two of them one of me. I didn’t start this journey to make out raising twins alone was a walk in the park.
Also, don’t let anyone downplay your struggle including yourself. It’s so easy to compare your struggle to others. And feel like your complaining for nothing or even for people to say something like “you’re lucky because it could be worse”. The last time I checked struggling wasn’t a competition.
“Every day may not be good but there’s good in every day”
P.s if you are struggling, as I have been. You might ask, how did I get out of it. Believe it or not I found nature helped massively. I’ve tried to disconnect over the past couple of days and we’ve visited some beautiful country parks not far from us. If you have any tips, please share them someone might need it.