I’m on a journey. A journey I have been on for quite some time but have never really opened up about. I’m Falling back in love with my body, and I feel like it’s going well. However, the opinions of others can often trigger me. People regularly get taken aback when I say this. But, I felt my body was at its best when I was pregnant with the twins. Yet, I was “skinny shamed” most when I was pregnant and that was so hard for me to deal with. People would ask what I was having, to which I would reply “twins”. The utter disbelief on their faces. Which was followed by a “no way, you’re so small” ,“there’s no way”, “you won’t go full term” or “I bet they’ve got no space in there”. Seriously, the list of what I took as insults were endless.
“You’ve lost weight”
Still, too this day as I mentioned I get comments about my weight. Just the other day while stopping off at the local corner shop. The little old lady who owns the shop commented on my weight. “You’ve lost weight” she said. To which I replied “no, I haven’t” and walked out, annoyed as hell. I then decided enough is enough and I’m taking to my keyboard to voice my annoyance. It’s not only the fact that this lady has never seen me without my big blanket coat on, its simply the fact that there’s no need for her, or anyone else’s input.
Just before that, I caught myself in a real embarrassing situation. I was in the barbers chatting away for what could have been about 10 minutes. When I realised my crop top was caught in my bra. (Just picture me, son on my hip, crop top caught in bra, midriff on show, an actual mess). It didn’t take long for the barber to start giving me advice about weight gain. He continues to tell me I should be eating more, and what sort of food items I should be eating.
At this point, my friends interrupts to defend me and says “she eats more than me, I don’t know where she puts it”. This, didn’t stop him though, he then changes his approach and suggest I try the gym. Now, me and this barber have been flirting for months up until this point. Let’s just say the flirting is no longer, and I haven’t returned to have my hair cut there.
“I have lived my whole life trying to gain weight”
It wasn’t until I visited my doctor last year where I had to ask myself “what are you doing?”. My doctor, who must be sick of me coming in to talk about my weight at this point said, “there’s nothing I can give you, there’s nothing I can do, you are meant to look like this it’s genetics”. In that moment I thought f$%k this.
Nevertheless, my f£$k it attitude towards my weight hasn’t stopped random people from having their say on what I should look like, what I need to do to look that way and all the things I’m not doing including eating as you can see. And, I’m all the way over it. I have lived my whole life trying to gain weight, I have tried eating until I can’t eat anymore, weight training at the gym (for two weeks but still), protein shakes, the list is endless. However, I’m not killing myself trying to gain weight for it too just run out the other end.
“I went through with surgery”
Although I have no plans to take strangers comments on board and start a weight gain journey, it’s still a touchy subject for me. I definitely still have insecure days, but I never expected the journey I’m on to be quick or easy. In my head I could do with some curves and bigger arms especially. Just over a year ago though, I had my breasts enlarged. While I’m happy with them now, chances are if I had started the journey to fall in love with my body before I went through with surgery, I wouldn’t have had them done. This is because at the time, they were my biggest insecurity.
Now I have had them done my biggest insecurity is my arms even more so than before. I really feel like you can continue to change things about your body, but you will always be unhappy about something if you don’t change your mindset. Now I never got my boobs done because of anyone elses opinion because actually no one was even looking at them at that point. But, whenever I have started to attempt gaining weight it’s been because of other people and my idea of the perfect body.
“I just wish people would shut the f$%k up”
Situations, like the one’s at the corner shop and the barbers really get me in my feelings (as you can tell), but then I remember I am meant to look like this, this is how god made me (minus the 225cc implants). There is no changing my body and I’m at a point where I am learning to love my body the way it is. I just wish people would shut the f$%k up. Seriously. I sometimes wonder, why are people so concerned about what other people look like? Why are people so inconsiderate? Of course, I have witnessed “skinny shaming” first hand and it’s so unacceptable. Any kind of body shaming is downright UNACCEPTABLE!!
It triggers me every time I see someone like Jayde Pierce or Lydia Elise Millen to name just two being trolled online because of the size of their waist. Now, I am aware that some people might read this. And say, “what’s her problem, at least no one has told her she’s put it on” and that’s exactly what the problem is. The concept of skinny shaming is absurd to some. But, these comments are hurtful. And, lets face it, shaming one size to promote another doesn’t scream body positivity it’s all kinds of negative.
“My Name is Lucia, I am 25 years old, I am a UK size 4-6, I eat as much or as little as I please, I am falling back in love with my body and I think weight gain journeys are PANTS”